The Mean Reds

Don't know why after all this time I've decided to update this blog, but maybe it's about time for me to delve a bit into everything that's happened, both with Kat's death and with everything I've been forced to face since then.  For now, I'm way too tired for rational thought, but maybe I'll come up with something worth sharing in the next day or two.  The title is from Breakfast at Tiffany's, the scene itself goes like this:

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Well, it's our anniversary, the first I've had to go through since her death.  I used to have my shit together, if not very well, then much better than the last 10 months.  Strange, how one moment in time never really lets you go.  For me it was the moment they removed the feeding tube from her nose.  Hell, sometimes I hear it in my dreams.  While I was in group therapy this morning the scene popped into my head and just would not get out.

In the interest of fairness, things were rough with Kat and I sometimes, and we were fighting more and more, but no one deserves to go like that, certainly not that young.  And no one deserves to face the choice I had to make, or the things I've gone through since.  Maybe this is the best place to make my observations, where it's no longer inside me, eating me alive, but certainly not as "exposed" as if I was sharing it somewhere where everyone was looking.