The next daze

2 years and some change now.  Wow, where has the time gone?

Lots of things have changed, but I'm still here.  These are the hardest times.  I'm sure you'll understand that.  You always loved this time of year.  I'm sorry you missed it.  The kids are doing ok. I think.  They don't want much to do with me any more.

Me, I'm just piddling on.  I think I'm still trying to wake up, like this is some awful dream.  I know it's not, I'm not stupid, but some days it just feels like I'm going through the motions without any goal set in my mind.  We used to talk about my high school days, it's pretty much exactly like that.  Your friends pretty much took off, like we always thought they would.

Not much to say, but I wanted to tell you I miss you, and I hope you're not in pain any more.  I've still got a ways to go, but there isn't a day that goes by I don't think about you.

The Mean Reds

Don't know why after all this time I've decided to update this blog, but maybe it's about time for me to delve a bit into everything that's happened, both with Kat's death and with everything I've been forced to face since then.  For now, I'm way too tired for rational thought, but maybe I'll come up with something worth sharing in the next day or two.  The title is from Breakfast at Tiffany's, the scene itself goes like this:

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Well, it's our anniversary, the first I've had to go through since her death.  I used to have my shit together, if not very well, then much better than the last 10 months.  Strange, how one moment in time never really lets you go.  For me it was the moment they removed the feeding tube from her nose.  Hell, sometimes I hear it in my dreams.  While I was in group therapy this morning the scene popped into my head and just would not get out.

In the interest of fairness, things were rough with Kat and I sometimes, and we were fighting more and more, but no one deserves to go like that, certainly not that young.  And no one deserves to face the choice I had to make, or the things I've gone through since.  Maybe this is the best place to make my observations, where it's no longer inside me, eating me alive, but certainly not as "exposed" as if I was sharing it somewhere where everyone was looking.

This is so much more

So, my post a few days ago pissed some people off.  I honestly don't mean my ramblings to do that.  Here's my thing.  I believe in the story of Arthur and Merlin.  It is a story that continues to have a hold on me.  Do I believe that there were two people who shook the foundations of the world in the way of their stories?  No, much as I would like to believe otherwise, I'm sure those two did not exist in the truth of their stories.  Are their two stories worth looking at?  Hell yes!  So when the question of the bible comes up, I view it exactly the same way.  I'm tired, but hopefully that's a little light into the caverns of my mind.

Watching "The Bible"

I know that I would offend a huge amount of people if I posted this on Facebook. But I honestly have to say that if there is a place for "The Bible" it should be on SyFy, not the History channel.  There is much to be said on the history of the bible, which should be said on the History channel, but a literal interpretation is more than a bit disengenious.

Wow, I have a blog!

You wouldn't know it, but my blog is still open.  So gentle readers, here is my conundrum, I've been reading so much about how to improve my life.  Should I follow the path of Ishmael (understand the past to create the future) or of Dyson (understand the past to improve and define the future the we have now)?  So much to know!

Gifts Cards, and the pain of using them

My family sent me gift cards for my birthday -- that is AWESOME -- I love getting to choose what I want, and they know what places I shop at.  This is the part of the blog where I stop being cranky and just be nice for once.  Thank you guys so much for letting me get what I want.

Katherine -- The two books I got were insanely expensive , I bought "Your Story" and "Our World" of the Dresden Files RPG.  We will probably play this game for the next 6+ years, it beats the heck out of a video game of any kind, thank you.
Chris -- I got "A Rollins in the Wry" - by Henry Rollins, you know I love this guy, he's my first page quote, "Tron:Legacy" soundtrack by Daft Punk, good music to work to, urgent, but no lyrics, I can jam out miles of code, most of it good :) just flowing with this music.  I did also get Thor, not my favorite comic character, but close, and he seems likable, and no one's going to make a movie out of the Phantom Stranger.  Nerd Rant sometime when I choose to, if you're waiting for it, I'm sorry, you must have not seen my update schedule.
Mom and Dad -- Castle, complete series, I haven't watched more than 20 minutes of the series, but it's NATHAN FILLON! and my Mom likes it, which is recommendation enough.  My Mom likes things that are good (West Wing, Gunsmoke, etc) and that's more than recommendation for me.  Plus, it's Mal/Captain Hammer, it has to be good.

Now I'm going to rant in full on whiny mode.  You can keep reading if you've had a bad experience with gift cards, but it's not really bad, just annoying.

K, just gave me cash to spend, and told me where to go (Rogues Gallery, to a nerd, the most awesome place for miles), not an issue, though they did ask if I wanted to go into the Fantasy Football League.  P.S.  In Batman vs. Superman I did choose Batman, cause he doesn't get in to fights without choosing the terms, and he has evidence (comics) that he is prepared.  Plus team Batman had Hellblazer (John Constantine), and I won't vote against him, it's awesome.


C, a most awesome gift card, with lots of choices.  It was easy to get what I wanted, but I did have to update my credit card and say "No credit card"  They were fine with that, and it took seconds to select that option.  But is shouldn't have been an issue at all, I had redeemed my card and my credit card shouldn't have been an issue at all.  Not a dime was coming from my credit card.  What difference could it possibly make?

M&D, I had to update my credit card, even though I had more than enough on my gift card to get what I wanted.  Amazon would not let me through with out a valid credit card.  They would not let me select my shipping method or anything, even though I had 7 dollars left on my gift card, until I had given my updated credit card information.  Um, the person who sent me a gift spent good money, that automatically goes to you, what difference does it make to you about my credit card?  If you had let me select my shipping method first, with the gift card, it should have been no difference, I don't owe you anything.  Not to complain about what was given to me, Amazon had, by far, the best choices, but they were so obtrusive about letting me spend my (gift) money.


In short, thank everyone for the gifts, let me itch about some sites, but it was an awesome experience all around, thank you guys so much.

David B. -- aspects (Fortunate Son; My Daddy's Boy; This I Learned from My Mother; Touch My Sis and Die!; Devoted Husband; Fairy Tale Romance; Papa Bear)

If you understood what's up there in the parenthesis, I'm about to start a new game, write me.  :D

Usability - Part 1 of infinity

First of all, thank you to the two of my readers who've forgotten to delete me from their RSS feeds. :D  Love ya.

I honestly think that designers of hardware keep hiring the same guy over and over, not knowing that he is a damn plague on usability and design, and should have been sent back to the fast food empire he was working at before his introduction into electronics.

It keeps me in mind of gremlins, not the cute/scary as hell ones in the movie of the same name, but in that William Shatner episode of the Twilight Zone.  It is this kind of evil miscreant that can come up with the idea that deliberately kills your use of advanced technology. I'm sure this green, bug-eyed monster suggested, hey, if the hyper caffeinated early adopters of tech accidentally click on our crap mouse, then we should interpret that as a mouse click.  Even though no one could conceivably want that, or expect that behavior, it was implemented from here to hell, from those early crap mouse pads to the modern age.

I am 100% sure it was this misfit of thought that first suggested, hey, technical people don't need enough work, let's put a switch on the front of the computer at least 1/4 inch thick, that will suddenly cut off your wireless connection.  Because the tech paranoids (who have every reason to be) are not smart enough to turn off the "automatically connect to ANY network" switch, they need that extra step to make sure that their wireless connection goes down for no reason what-so-fucking-ever.

95% percent of my calls from the "I know you don't do tech support but you type on a computer for a living so you're a genius" crowd end up with, "Do you see a green light on the front?  How 'bout on the right side?"  All the time.  What reason could you possibly have for that?  Other than to confuse the "norms" and make people who work in computers go "why is this happening?" is there a continued reason for this?

If you're one of those people who actually DO connect to any available network, without checking anything or signing in, or doing anything where a big plastic switch could help you, I'd like to say "Welcome to the Wild Wild West, Baby!"